AUTHOR: Everlind

CAST: John/Karkat

RATING: G

WORD COUNT: 4039

ADDITIONAL TAGS: centaur AU

SUMMARY: “Come here,” you tell him, beckoning. Drop smoothly down through all four legs.

Tired glare. “Yes, lie down. Take a nap, good idea. Like sitting ducks here anyway, why the fuck not? Let’s just make it easy as hell for them. I know, I’ll paint a fucking target around my ass and stick my tail up. Shoot here for easy butchering.”

You snort out a laugh. “No, you dumbass. I’ll carry you.”

rec’d by stheere

AUTHOR: jadebloods

CAST: Kanaya/Rose; Mom, Dave, Bro

RATING: T

WORD COUNT: 9175

ADDITIONAL TAGS: no SBURB AU, alcohol, dysfunctional families, troll culture clash, created for ladystuck 2013

SUMMARY: A treatise on human holidays in a mixed-species, post-colonial world: or, how Kanaya Maryam failed to learn the true meaning of Christmas. Contains mentions of medianoche machete madness, Gandalf/Saruman fanfiction, Britney Spears’s line of perfume, an academic debate on the relative merits of A Christmas Story versus that of The Muppet Christmas Carol, the Christmas Wizard, ugly kitten sweaters, a dramatic moment revolving around an ill-fated pomegranitini, and Kanaya Maryam being very completely fed up with everyone’s shit.

EXCERPT: “What does medianoche machete madness have to do with the virgin birth of the Earth Human Jesus?”

Dave shrugs and changes the channel. “What does that fuckin’ tree over there have to do with the Baby Jesus either? Nobody knows, we just keep doing this shit every year because someone out there will probably judge us for it if we don’t. The Holiday Cheer Police will accost us with the unholy shrieking of caroling teens and flaming chestnut firebombs until all hope is lost and we all want to bash our own noggins in with Rose’s crystal punch cups.”

"I’d find that preferable. It reminds me a little bit of Twelfth Perigee’s Eve, although we generally are attacked by crooning lusii, not human teenagers."

rec’d by stheere

AUTHOR: anonymous

CAST: Aradia & Damara; Dave, Rose

WORD COUNT: more than 5000

ADDITIONAL TAGS: currently updating, urban fantasy AU, mentions of suicide, unwilling resurrection, hosted on the kink meme

SUMMARY: Aradia is told that there’s a way to bring her sister Damara, who had killed herself a few months prior, back to life. Aradia immediately accepts, and the procedure/spell/whatever goes off without a hitch. And Damara is not happy to be back.

EXCERPT: And then a spell title jumps out at you: For the Restoration of Life After Untimely Death.

In any other book, you’d skip the page and shove the words toward that hole in your mind, hating the involuntary leap of your heart and the bitter tang of false hope. But this one seems so practical, so reasonable, so… so real. Like magic is just an everyday thing, a cheat code anyone can apply to the universe if they know the secret.

You mark the page.

The next day, instead of reading the terrible spy thriller, you take Damara’s keys down from the hook beside the back door. Her car — a maroon Camry she bought pre-owned the summer before her senior year, and drove halfway across the country to college just because she could — is still in the driveway. It’s not insured anymore, but you don’t care. You set the book and a gallon of distilled water in the passenger seat and drive to Damara’s grave.

Your big sister’s death wasn’t natural. There’s nothing natural about suicide. Nothing timely, either. She should have lived another sixty years. Seventy years. Eighty. Lived until you and she were wrinkled old ladies together, with cats and kids and grandkids and anything else you could dream of wanting. She should still be here. If she hurt that much, why didn’t she ask for help? Why did she give up? Why did she run away and leave you behind?

You want your sister back. You want your life back. You want to make everything better.

So you do.

rec’d by asukaskerian

AUTHOR: mercurialMalcontent

CAST: Grandma Jade, Jake

RATING: T

WORD COUNT: 2239

ADDITIONAL TAGS: created for jadefest

SUMMARY: You tell Jake stories about yourself, where you got your name, edited so as not to scare him too much. You hope that someday you can tell him the real version. You play adventures with him, teaching him the skills he needs to survive outside the tower. You try to enjoy it, even though you know that your clock is ticking and you have so much left to do.

EXCERPT: You were not expecting to start raising a child at the age of eighty-five.

Well, that’s not entirely true! You’d had inklings that something important would happen around this time; all of your studies and discoveries pointed to it. But you never actually internalized the idea of dealing with a kid, it was always something that would happen “someday”, a time so vague and far away you never had to think about it. Time got away from you, as it does — that’s you, always knowing exactly where you are but always late for dinner! — and suddenly you were looking down the long barrel of old age with nary an infant in sight.

(“You were old a long time ago,” John laughs when you tell this to him. He laughs even harder when you tell him he’s a geezer, and reminds you he’s technically younger than you. You noogie him, for old time’s sake.)

But here you are, your arms full of the kiddo that had landed with a bang two days into your visit to your brother. You huff and hoist the little guy higher on your hip. “You sure weren’t the birthday surprise I was expecting,” you tell him. He beams at you, and you can’t help but smile back a little.

rec’d by lantadyme

AUTHOR: dashery

CAST: Grandma Jade/alpha Dave; alpha Rose

RATING: T

WORD COUNT: 12445

ADDITIONAL TAGS: complete, created for jadefest

SUMMARY: 1994: The Betty Crocker conglomerate invites Dr. Jade English, celebrated astrophysicist and CEO of Skaianet Technologies, to teach one year of classes at their first foray into private education, Marjorie Husted University in Houston, Texas. Jade says yes.

EXCERPT: They’d meant the invitation as a sock to the face. Marjorie Husted University, the shiniest new private university in Houston, already fully accredited, would be greatly honored to have an eminent physicist and innovator in the space field blah blah blah words. Hey, Dr. English, America’s favorite—or most infamous, anyway—octogenarian multimillionaire inventor businesswoman smartypants. Come teach a year of classes as a visiting professor to Texas’s freshest crop of wannabe astronauts! We’re so close to NASA headquarters, after all. We’d love to have you. It’ll be fun.

And it would have been. Jade wouldn’t call herself the teaching type, but she was eighty-four years old and could use a change from the everyday humdrum of reinventing science and running her competitors into the ground. Even her regular jaunts to Bengal (the People’s Republic of Bangladesh now, she reminded herself—had been reminding herself since 1947) to study and enjoy the familiar, fertile fields off the Ganges had felt a little…dry. Wrangling freshmen could be the perfect sabbatical, she thought.

rec’d by phrenotobe, lantadyme

AUTHOR: crookedbones

CAST: Jade, Jadesprite

WORD COUNT: 1605

ADDITIONAL TAGS: illustrated, His Dark Materials AU, angst, created for jadefest

EXCERPT: But then the game began for real, and it was like nothing you or Neph had prepared for.

And Jadesprite.

She was sobbing and clutching at her face, eyes wide and searching. “Neph! Neph!” she’d called, knotting her wispy ghost tail.

”I’m here, I’m here,” he chirped, but she could not see him, not for all the brightest plumage he could muster.

You knew every human had a daemon, in the same way that you knew they should have two eyes and ten toes. You had hoped, but never verified, that ghosts have daemons as well.

rec’d by stheere

AUTHOR: rezi

CAST: Jade, Feferi

RATING: G

WORD COUNT: 2357

ADDITIONAL TAGS: created for jadefest

SUMMARY: Two gumptious young lasses — one a nautical princess, one an explorer’s granddaughter — follow in the explorer’s footsteps by going on an adventure of their own! Join them as they delve into the deepest depths of Jade Harley’s island residence! Featuring a fearless fishy friend, a basement full of treasure, a mythical healing fruit and much, much more!

EXCERPT: Your grandpa was always telling you stories. One of his finest escapades led to him discovering what he referred to as “the most priceless treasure I ever laid my peepers on”. Just like all the others he’d tell you about, then. You’ve heard the story a thousand times: his daring trek through rainforests and rivers; his run-in with a hostile tribe that nearly ended him up as dinner; his admiration for the noble savage with the blue-painted skin who rescued him at last and showed him to his prize: the Raspberry of Rejuvenation. Ancient myths tell of how, even for those for whom death’s door is already ajar, just a drop of its juice will make them well once more.

You know this one’s true. A mythical pomegranate, passionfruit, papaya? Something like that could be fake. But a mythical raspberry? You couldn’t make this up.

The catch: you haven’t seen it since Grandpa died. And one thing it can’t do is raise the dead.

rec’d by phrenotobe

AUTHOR: bramblePatch

CAST: Jade♦Kanaya

RATING: G

WORD COUNT: 1172

ADDITIONAL TAGS: hurt/comfort, created for jadefest

SUMMARY: “Space is big. Really big. You just won’t believe how vastly hugely mindbogglingly big it is. I mean you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space.”
- American cosmologist, Carl Sagan

You’re almost certain Carl Sagan said that.

EXCERPT: There was once when Jade was very small - probably more than once, but there’s one particular incident that stands out oddly clear in her memories - once, when she was a little girl, when she still had a grandfather and hadn’t any reason to expect that she ever wouldn’t, Grandpa let her stay up long enough to go out in the soft blackness of the island at night, and they’d gone out onto the hilltop near the house and watched a meteor shower. A real one, with no more esoteric source than the bits of the universe that by some great unlikely chance happened to cross paths with the Earth’s atmosphere, to burn up harmlessly before they could strike.

She’d watched the streaks of light with wide green eyes, uncomprehending of how far the space debris had come, until she’d nodded off to sleep safely nestled between Bec’s soft white fur and the course khaki of Grandpa’s safari costume, and woken the next morning tucked into her own bed.

There’s pretty much nothing about that scenario that still holds true, now.

rec’d by lantadyme

AUTHOR: nocturnalKnight

CAST: Rose♦Dave

RATING: T

WORD COUNT: 1422

ADDITIONAL TAGS: no SBURB AU, death, suicidal thoughts, self harm

SUMMARY: Rose becomes the only remaining Lalonde left in the world and hides away in the shadows. Dave won’t let her be washed away by the ever-coming tide.

EXCERPT: The way he remembers her is saltwater and sand crunching in between his toes. Her eyes flashing amethyst-bright underneath the sun. The first time they ever met-if you could call it meeting-was on this beach on a grey day. He’d gone down with his camera to take some ironic pictures of seagulls and scrambled around until he came across her. She was playing the violin on the rocks and the first thing he’d thought when he’d seen her was, “damn, this chick probably has the mad hots for Lindsey Stirling.”

rec’d by asherdashery

AUTHOR: light_rises

CAST: Jade English, John Crocker, Condesce, Halley

RATING: T

WORD COUNT: 7203

ADDITIONAL TAGS: siblings, child and animal abuse, dysfunctional family, mind control, violence, created for jadefest

SUMMARY: You mother notices - as if she wouldn’t - but the little rebellions settle in and simmer, remain there, keeping something akin to the peace. Which is the only reason you stay with that tack as long as you do, because it stifles. It pokes a lioness with a stick instead of the Winchester you suspect she deserves and that’s not you. But it’s not just you under her roof and rule. And better a stick than nothing at all.

EXCERPT: It starts off small, as most things do.

You are small yourself, in fact. Not as small as small goes when compared to, say, your brother, but the Child sort of small is what matters to your mother. What matters to all mothers, she insists - it’s the age of being trussed up and paraded about as gay little satellites to maternal pride, making one’s children as shiny and presentable as their dollars can be stretched to take them. And Mother has a lot of dollars at her disposal. One of the smaller ways to keep that green rolling in, she says, is to doll you and yours up for big events. Social events, where “making waves” is a currency the attending grownups deal in. (Your mother talks about making waves a lot.)

Tonight’s party feels enough like the rest. John discovered playing cards three days ago and he’s taken off with some of the other kids to show off the tricks he’s been trying to master. He’s… not very good, but you want to see! Especially if you need to give someone a good whap to the arm for giving him a hard time about it.

Your mother has other plans. She leaves John to his alcove and his audience with a tinkling laugh and takes you by the arm. Her nails give an extra press to the inside of your wrist when you look back; she leaves behind three neat, angry little halfmoons next to the jut of tendon.

rec’d by lantadyme

AUTHOR: Latia

CAST: Jade, Jadesprite, Calliope

RATING: T

WORD COUNT: 3617

ADDITIONAL TAGS: created for jadefest

SUMMARY: In between when dream!Jade died and when she got pulled into being Jadesprite, it’s implied she spent time in the dreambubbles. I’d like to see what it’d be like if she spent that time with Calliope and her older dogtier self, as of Calliope and older!Jade’s most recent appearance in canon.

EXCERPT: She was the only human being on this island, there hadn’t been anyone else since she had found her grandfather slumped over the table. Yet there was a voice. An impossible voice.

An impossible voice getting nearer and nearer.

Oddly enough she wasn’t nearly afraid as she probably should have been. The voice wasn’t threatening—if anything it was charming, with a curious lilt that was almost musical. She turned her head left and right, trying to find the source. If she had had dog’s ears, she would have twitched them.

"My apologies, Jade, I really didn’t mean to just drift off like that!" There came a gentle shuffling from a nearby grove of trees (but weren’t they? yards away, minutes ago, she could have sworn-) "I just got so caught up looking at all these splendid little plants! I never got to see any back home, so-"

The girl was tall and skeleton skinny, clad in a fancy moss green suit. But what drew Jade’s eyes was above her neck. Her gray skin. Her empty white eyes.

rec’d by lantadyme

AUTHOR: Stripe

CAST: Jade/Rose/John/Dave

RATING: T

WORD COUNT: 8335

ADDITIONAL TAGS: complete, post SBURB AU, created for jadefest

SUMMARY: Four years have passed since the game, and John, Rose, Dave, and Jade go to college and live in a house together. Everything should be perfect. But Jade can’t shake the feeling that something’s missing.

EXCERPT: The wind whips Jade’s hair about her face, and she holds down the hat over her head to keep it from flying off. On the one hand, she appreciates the coming winter, allowing her to wear a hat constantly without attracting attention, but after thirteen years on a tropical island, she can’t pretend to be fond of the cold. She still loves the snow, but this kind of weather - chilling winds and grey skies - can go kick itself in the butt as far as she’s concerned.

Luckily, their house is only a couple of blocks away from the bus stop, so Jade doesn’t suffer long. It’s not the largest place, but it’s perfect for the four of them. It was billed as a single-story, three-bedroom, two bathroom house when they bought it with some of Rose’s mother’s left over money, though only the master bedroom is actually used as a “bedroom.” The second one has become a study, where Rose keeps her books and where they can all plug their laptops in and relax for a bit, and the third is simply a “work room,” whenever somebody (usually Dave) needs some open space for a project.

rec’d by lantadyme

AUTHOR: jadebloods

CAST: Aradia/Roxy

RATING: Explicit

WORD COUNT: 4689

ADDITIONAL TAGS: helmsmen, object insertion, technological kink, involuntary erections, xeno, explicit consent, created for ladystuck 2013

SUMMARY: Chief Petty Officer Roxy Lalonde assists Helmsman Aradia Megido with a loose power connector, with involuntarily sexy results.

EXCERPT: Now that you have a plan, you pull her up into a sitting position, or as much of one as she can manage, and reach behind her to feel around for the wire. “I’m gonna jam this sucker in on the count of three, okay? And you’re gonna breathe with me while I do it. Helmslady lamaze, got that?”

"That multicultural reference makes complete sense," she gasps, barely able to hold herself up. "Fortunately I had planned on breathing anyway!"

"Okay… okay good." Her sides are quivering so you resume rubbing them, and your slime-coated hand slides smoothly over her grub scars. Your fingers dip up and down between them like piano keys, while you grip the port plug with your other hand. "Inhale," you say, breathing in deeply. Aradia complies, inhaling and then exhaling along with you, opening her eyes just enough to look into yours. Her sclera are a bright, cheerful yellow, and up close you can see the spots of red that thread through her irises like flecks of garnet in stone.

"Again." The both of you inhale, and on the exhale you slide the connection home without warning.

rec’d by stheere

AUTHOR: Elizabeth Culmer

CAST: Jade, Dirk, Jane, Rose, Roxy, John, Dave, Jake

RATING: G

WORD COUNT: 5254

ADDITIONAL TAGS: post SBURB AU, pesterlog, created for jadefest

SUMMARY: In which Jade Harley approaches Dirk Strider with a proposal for a secret mecha construction project, because giant robots are awesome, good science and engineering partners are hard to find, and they need to do SOMETHING with their lives after the game.

EXCERPT: GG: instead of tracking down the stray lusus naturae with residual game powers
GG: which is really exhausting for me, maybe not for you, but do they even have souls to destroy???
GG: wait thats off topic
TT: I don’t think ‘soul’ is the right technical term. It has too many religious overtones.
GG: anyway, instead of game powers or just using our normal weapons
TT: The lusii definitely have something I can shred. Kind of like a bright dog, I guess?
GG: we build giant robots and use them to fight the lusii on an equal footing
GG: yes, yes, or motherfucking yes?
TT: Not that I have any direct experience with dogs.
TT: Wait, mecha, seriously?
GG: youve never met a dog???
TT: I’m in.

rec’d by phrenotobe, lantadyme

AUTHOR: nocturnalKnight

CAST: Jade, Becquerel, Grandpa Harley, Rose, Dave, John

RATING: G

WORD COUNT: 5074

ADDITIONAL TAGS: created for jadefest

SUMMARY: Jade Harley has never needed to be protected from anyone but herself. This is a story about a childhood split between a gold moon, a wild island and pixelated pictures; this is a story about growing up. One thing should be made clear; this is not a story about honesty, but it is one about friends.

EXCERPT: You learn the names of almost every fruit and flower as you wander about your garden atrium. Your granddad bought you lots of seeds when you were young. You’ve always loved the feel of dirt under your fingers; the softness of soil giving way. In fact you used to dig around with Bec all the time! You found bones and little trinkets that you stashed away like treasure. Things like completely fossilized crickets and butterflies.

You consider that perhaps you might be a little morbid. But Dave assures you that collecting dead things like trophies is completely normal, and is at least a little encouraged in modern day society.

You laugh.

rec’d by phrenotobe, lantadyme